Resisting Colonization in Delivery and Postpartum Care with Kalei'okalani Matsui (Part 1)

[The Decolonizing Medicine Podcast S01E09.  Original release date January 17, 2022.]
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Jamee Pineda
Hi, you are listening to The Decolonizing Medicine Podcast. I'm Jamee Pineda, your host, and I am a queer non binary trans person and a practitioner of Hilot and Chinese medicine. My ancestry is mostly Tagalog and some Chinoy, but I was raised here on Turtle Island. This episode is part one of a two episode story with Kalei'okalani Matsui. She will be sharing her experiences as a gestational parent, the impacts of colonization on her care, and her connection to ancestral wisdom. Content warnings for this episode include domestic violence, sexual assault, and medical trauma. There are some exciting things in the works for 2022. One of them is that I am in the process of opening an in-person practice in Baltimore. I also have another zine coming in the 5 phase series. This one will be about wood. For updates on my work, you can sign up for my mailing list at linktr.ee/JameePinedaHealingArts. As always, Patreon has been so helpful in allowing me the creativity and flexibility to do these projects and make medicine more accessible in many different ways.

​Kalei'okalani Matsui
Aloha nui, Jamee!


Jamee Pineda
Are you ready to talk about this?


Kalei'okalani Matsui
I am mākaukau.


Jamee Pineda
I'm so excited. How are you doing today?


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Today, you know running around all over the place and as usual, so I'm doing really good you know every other days like ups and downs. But right now I'm floating on a high just because of this opportunity to speak with you and on this beautiful podcast. I feel really honored and just very welcomed and warm. So, mahalo.

Jamee Pineda
Yay! I know you're in Chinatown International District in Seattle right now. And it's giving me flashbacks of like, all my delicious food places that I don't get to see anymore. So it's like seeing you on the screen gives me all of this context of location and the people that are around there and like, you know, all the community that's in that area. So it feels good. It's positive flashbacks coming to me.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Oh, God, I love to contribute in that way. But now I do. I am very excited myself to be back in Chinatown International District too. It's been a home for me for a really long time. But having been away for most of the pandemic and then through maternity leave and now coming back is - I am also in that wave of feelings right now. Yeah.


Jamee Pineda
So let's talk about the story of bringing Mykah into this world.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Oh, yeah.


Jamee Pineda
Oh, and also on top of that, I would love to hear about, I already heard it, but I would love to hear again about how you named Mykah.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Oh, hi. So buckle up everybody we're going and so Mykah Makali'iokalani Sumie Matsui is my hiapo, my divine firstborn, and she was born in June 2021. So six months ago, which I cannot believe, but especially for Makali'iokalani her, you know, Hawaii, her Hawaiian name. There's a lot of different kinds of stories. I already have a joke that I'm going to play on my daughter for the rest of her life. Every time she asks me, "How did you name me Makali'iokalani?", I'm going to tell her a different moʻolelo, a different story, every single time. But for this one for right now Makali'i is the name of the constellations that are commonly known as the Pleiades, aye. But like Makali'i, Matari'i, Mata'iki, like all across Polynesia that's the name that these constellations go by. And when these constellations come over the horizon that's when, at least in Hawaii, it's the lonely Makahiki season. It's the new year. It's a time of peace and and like growth and, and you don't play. Like it's just a beautiful, beautiful time for almost half the year and that happens around October November same in like Tahiti it's Matari'i i ni'a, which is the Makali'i up above. And it's just such a significant wayfinding piece for our peoples, for our generations. And for me growing up the Pleiades is what I known this as the constellations and the only story I had known of that was that the Pleiades are riding on the back of an ox who is trying to protect them from Orion. You know Orion's Belt. I would always look for Orion's Belt, see the ox and then find the Pleiades in the sky. And that story, that mo'olelo, is talking about how the Pleiades are running away from Orion because Orion wants them. He lusts after them. He wants to defile him. He wants to take advantage of them. He wants to commit assault against them, right? And I always looked at myself as if I was the Pleiades having been a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual assault from childhood onward. And you know, I would look up to the sky and wish that I would have an ox, someone to protect me, someone to carry me away. I just can't do this anymore. And so then fast forward when I have gone through emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, like in domestic abuse situations with relationships I had growing up, and then finally I find my ku'u ipo, my sweetheart, you know, my kane, my husband, Kitman, and to him I was so much, but in a part of my healing process, he had no idea how special the Pleiades were to me in a very convoluted way, right? But one of the very first things he shared to me, that was just so sweet and to this day, he commented on all this, the freckles on my face and was like, oh, I really love the Pleiades on your face. And I was like, that meant so much to me. And at in that moment, I looked at him like oh my gosh, this is my ox. This is the one I was waiting for. But don't worry, this comes back to the feminine empowerment. But um, I directed direction and ownership. But as I was becoming more closer in my journey towards myself as Kanaka Maoli as a Native Hawaiian, I just rediscovered, just had this epiphany learning about the mo'olelo and the story, the historical lore behind Makali'i. And what that meant to my people what that means to my people, and how the Makali'i was the eyes. Makali'i meant the eyes of the chief. Like these were the eyes of our leaders leading us towards peace, leading us towards love, leading us towards each other across the Pacific Ocean, the moana nui a Kiwa and how much more powerful the message that was for me, and how that flipped the script of how I viewed myself. Honestly, that was one of the first decolonize moments I ever became aware of that. No, I wasn't this object, objectified being of lust, you know? That instead I was the eyes of our leaders, that I was powerful, that I was full of peace and was known and seen and revered across all of my Polynesian ancestors, you know? And so when I became aware of that my ku'u ipo would always comment on the Makali'i on my face. These small little eyes that could see so much more clearly now, as Makali'i also means small eyes. And in my journey of finally overcoming fear, how am I going to bring pēpē, baby, into this world when I don't know if I can protect them from the kind of sexual assault I experienced? I don't know if I will be able to bring them into such a dangerous world. I was surrounded by loved ones and it still happened to me. That was a fear I had to overcome. And once I did overcome that knowing I, you know, I determined to decolonize this world and create a safer place so that they treat my pēpē better than they treated me. And my ku'u ipo and I decided, like, oh, it's time. It's time, let's grow our ohana. Let's grow our family. When I finally realized that I was carrying my hiapo that was when the Makali'i were up in the sky. And before I, you know, knew anything more other than that I was hapai, I was carrying life, I was thinking about my pēpē, thinking about the future looking up at the Makali'i and seeing shooting stars fly by, more Makali'i surrounding it. And I just knew I was connected to the aka, the soul of my pēpē. That is just one one backstory of her i nu'a.


Jamee Pineda
It's so good, though. Such a good story. Yeah. I love it. I feel it in my body.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Ooh!


Jamee Pineda
Thank you for sharing that. Yeah. So my next question is about what was your postpartum experience like? Or even your delivery also?


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Oh, sure. Yes, the delivery. Ooh, yeah. The delivery, my ku'u ipo and I, my sweetheart, we're like a team. And we went into that whole hapai space, that whole pregnancy stage together. And we were just like, alright, let's get edumacated, you know? So we took as many classes as we could all online because it was, I have a pandemic baby. That is also a thing now. Um, but we took our virtual classes, you know, we wanted to take Lamaze classes so that we could push for my own, our own, personal goals. I just want to start too that every birth is natural birth, like I am not like so my natural son does not like it. However, your pēpē got out of your feminine body into te Ao into this physical world that is a natural birth. But my personal goal was like okay, we don't want medication, we don't want like an epidural. We want spontaneous vaginal for, like, all these kinds of things. We wanted to get ourselves up for it. So we could be prepared to achieve our goals, you know, all with trying to keep my spiritual health and focus in focus throughout. We wanted to get a doula to also ensure that and be on our team as well. But with the pandemic, we had to choose. Like, I couldn't have unlimited numbers of people. I was lucky, I could have my ku'u ipo, my sweetheart with me. And then I could only have one additional adult and that was going to be taken up by a doula or a family member. And I couldn't imagine going through this without my makuahine, without my mama, without my mom. And so we knew we couldn't have a doula. And that comes back to haunt me so much. So on the delivery, the day of, I just went to go visit my OB, purposely chose a woman of color. And she came and checked me and she was like, Oh, do you want me to check your cervix? I was like, Yeah, you should probably check that. But she's like, how you feeling? I was like, I'm fine. I'm gonna go do virtual bootcamp tomorrow. I got Tahitian class tonight with Huraiti Mana. I'm good. You know, she goes in checks my cervix, and it's like, did your water break? I was like, um not that I know of. And she's like, cuz water's coming out right now. And then she looked and she measured. She's like, you're at five centimeters. For all of those who don't know that's halfway there. You got to get to 10 centimeters and boom, your baby falls out. Okay, it doesn't follow up. But you know, 10 centimeters is the goal. So I was already halfway there and I had no idea. And she was like, You got to go to the hospital. You got to go across the street right now. We're like, what? We don't even have our hospital bag. BURMP! Like, new parent. Mess up one. But um, she's like, No, you gotta go. I was like, are you sure? Because I remembered back to my Lamaze classes. You don't go to the hospital unless you're like "hoo ha ha" like going through active or almost active labor, going through contractions, and I had zippo, zippo contractions. I was fine. Like, she was just concerned thinking my water had broke. So with that, I was like, oh, I have this urge, I have this intuition, but I went against it. We went to the hospital. And as soon as we got to the hospital, they were immediately like, okay, let's put you on Pitocin. I was like, no, whoa, you know? Excuse me. That, like I said, for the feminine bodies, for the gestational parent, who do opt for induced labors and do undergo using Pitocin to move the process along like that's, that's their prerogative. That's necessary, and I can go into that later too, for the type of world we live in that don't carry, you know, pregnant bodies in the care it deserves. But for me, I just knew I didn't need that right now. I was like, can we wait? Can we can I walk around with my kino, with my body? Can I see that my body takes its role knows what to do and goes into it. Like I don't want to be medicated right now. And that made the doctors very uncomfortable. And I realized after the process, doctors do not like to be uncomfortable. And that is an issue. So I was comfortable, however, but they wanted me to be uncomfortable with the decision making and I was like, nope, I'm comfortable with walking through this and making sure my kino has a chance to do what it knows to do. And this is my, like, ancestral heritage coming through me in my feminine body. I was made to do this. I already felt that way. I knew it. And I wanted to trust myself. So they're like, well, if the water broke, then we don't know how long it was broken. And, you know, we don't want the pēpē to be in less amniotic fluid than is safe. But we check the vitals. Everybody's doing good. Pēpē's heart rate is great. And I was like, well, how many hours is technically unsafe? They're like, oh, seven hours. I was like, well then give me seven hours. You gave me two minutes. Like I don't see the rush, the necessary rush. And so I'm glad I advocated for that. And so did my ku'u ipo and so did my mom. So we're walking around forever in a day. Pēpē don't want to come. And I could tell still, I'm not in labor. I'm not this is not the time to give birth. I'm making funny Tik Tok videos. Okay, now I'm not on Tik Tok, but I did make funny videos that would be Tik Tok worthy while I was pregnant in my gown. So they knew they were like, okay, you're not laboring. Let's gets you started on Pitocin, seven hours later, and I say okay, fine, you know, thinking, my pēpē is not swimming in their bathwater, right? In my womb. And so we start on Pitocin. But my ku'u ipo asks this nurse, who is a white lady, and asks her, is there any signs that we can see that we can then lessen Pitocin or even stop it when we don't need it anymore? And she was like, no, once you start Pitocin, you're on it for good. And we didn't know it then, but now that's just straight up malpractice. That's not true. That's not true. So she puts us she puts me on Pitocin and immediately everything gets nuts. And I have a very high pain tolerance. Now I know. All my life I was told I didn't because I would have my ma'i, my menstruation cycle, and it would just shut me down. Like I got to get picked up from school kind. And I used to be told you don't have oh, you can handle pain, blah, blah, because it's so expected for whatever reason that you are bleeding from your vagina, that your feminine body is going through so much turmoil, and you're just expected to take this math test right now. Or like, do whatever it is you're supposed to do. After having gone through all my labor, sorry this is a little segue, I know for a fact that my ma'i in high school was a seven centimeter labor contraction pain level, which has most people on the floor on hands and knees. Okay? So now I know I have a high pain tolerance. But for over two hours, I was on Pitocin and I could not breathe. Like I couldn't breathe. There was no breaks between contractions. You're supposed to have up to two minutes of break and I had none. No breaks whatsoever. Stop me whenever you need me to pause or-


Jamee Pineda
So just to clarify, you had a two hour long, straight up contraction.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Yes, straight up. Forcing my body and I knew something was wrong like how am I going to get to five centimeters chillin like a villain. And then six centimeters, seven centimeters I am like splitting in half. Just day and night just like a switch, not even, you know a lead up, and I couldn't breathe. And I knew from our trainings, you supposed to have a break, you supposed to have a break so that you can get up, change positions, do this, do that. I could not move because I was concentrating all of my mana to get through this. And I couldn't, I physically couldn't breathe. So I couldn't do any of the hanu, hā exercises. And I keep referencing Lamaze because that's something that maybe most folks know. But hanu, hā breathing exercise, like for 1000s of years.


Jamee Pineda
Everybody breathes, right?


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Everybody breathes


Jamee Pineda
Everybody breathes, hopefully.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
And it's like not something new that we know of, and putting it into practice specifically for birth and labor. Like, oh my gosh, ancestors have been about this for a long time before Lamaze classes became a thing. But anyway, I'm thinking back to my classes and I'm like, there is supposed to be a break here. And I was like, I cannot breathe, there's no breaks. My husband's like, she cannot breathe, there's no breaks. And my mom's saying the same thing. The nurse is saying that's normal. She looked at my chart. That's normal, she said. Finally I like, I could not handle it. There's another thing I want to go into, potentially too. I had this nurse check my cervix like this thing better be at 10 centimeters now. She's like, no, it's only at seven. But when she goes in to check me, it's very personal, right? She's going between your legs, going into the vagina. She is the only person that as a, you know, female medical professional, as many UTIs as I've had, as many pap smears as I've had, she's the only one that like touched my whole entire feminine body piece before going in. And she didn't even say she was going to do this. She didn't say I'm going to touch your inner thigh. I'm going to touch your vulva now. I'm going to open it - didn't say any of that. Touched my whole entire clitoris, and then entered. And I am in the middle of a two hour contraction, the top of the contraction, everything stops. And that's all I feel.


Jamee Pineda
That is weird.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Weird. And like when I've told other medical professionals after this trying to get help on that they're like, Okay, we do teach people like when you're giving labor, like things are kind of moving around, it doesn't look as, like, familiar, maybe and everyone's different. So maybe they're using that as the guiding light to get to you. Fine, but she didn't tell me that. And I specifically spoke to my OB so many times about how I come from a traumatized past with sexual abuse, you know, and that needs to be considered when I'm delivering. I had that on my chart, you know, everything because of course, my OB is not delivering me. She's off of work. So that was horrific, horrific for me.


Jamee Pineda
Mmhm.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
I called the doctor I was like, You need to get the doctor. And they get the doctor to come in. And my mom's like, she cannot breathe. My husband like she cannot breathe. And the doctor looks at my Pitocin charts or however, stop the Pitocin. She didn't even lower it. She just stopped it. Because looking at it clearly there was a problem. The doctor checks me just as the nurse just had, but this time the doctors like your water's not broken. And for anyone who's I've been able to share I even went back to my Lamaze teacher and told them my birth story and they were horrified. Because no amount of Pitocin in the world will get you to labor or birth or delivery if your water is not broken. So I was just overdosed on this medicine I didn't want in the first place for over two hours. Begging throughout that time to make it stop. Because I knew something was wrong. And I was not heeded.


Jamee Pineda
Oh, that's just that's just so violating on so many levels.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
So many levels.


Jamee Pineda
That's fucked up.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Yeah, essentially, that's the only way you can describe it, right? Live it and it's just crazy because my husband and I both did not like this nurse. We did not like her at all and had we known that of each other, we would have fired her before she even gave us Pitocin. Her attitude was wrong, everything was wrong. And okay Kanaka Maoli culture and I can go into that separately there when the woman from the whole entire gestation period through the delivery and afterward, it is absolute that the the loina wahine, the feminine principle, the feminine body of the gestational parent is not in contact with any type of negativity. Not at all. Like of course physical endangerment, but also spiritual, emotional psychological, like no stress, no work, no worry, okay? Because we believe that the aka, the fetus, has this acute emotional awareness and is aware of na loko ino or like evil vibrations that would be imprinted on their Maoli on their lifeforce and follow them forever. So it took me a couple of weeks to really come to terms with like, God, this happened to me and I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't, you know, I was going through the all that negativity and I felt like my pēpē was carrying that. I was like, I made a vow to bring my pēpē into the world, especially when I found out my pēpē is a kaikamahine, a feminine principle. And I felt like the vicious cycle was happening already from day one. And I was distraught, I still am distraught, you know, I'm still working through that. But the reason we hadn't fired that nurse was because I was focusing as if I was the issue, like, I don't want to bring any negativity around my baby. So I'm not going to create a scene, when really this nurse was creating the scene all by herself. And it had nothing to do with how I was, you know, protecting or not protecting my pēpē. And there's so many studies out there how women of color are not believed when it comes to our own bodies or own pain, you know? Like it's, it's awful, and that that same prejudice is against all feminine bodies. Yeah. And it's a sickness. It's a sickness in our society, but especially, there are studies prevalent in the medical industry in the US. So with that Pitocin stops, the water breaks, and my kino, my body, given to me by my ancestors takes over does everything right. The contractions are now two minutes apart, like I am breathing through hanu, hā like through the whole thing. My ku'u ipo is there. My mama is there. We get this done. And with superhuman strength, man, I thrust my body on top this squatting bar for the last like couple centimeters, push my pēpē out. And when she did, when she did come into this world, te Ao, they start in te Pō where we all come from, in the realm of darkness, the realm of spirituality, the realm of gods and come Earth side and te Ao the physical realm where we are. I just held on to my pēpē, you know, had very quiet moment. I didn't say anything. And my ku'u ipo we both knew as well. And we were keeping her inoa, her name secret, you know, she should be the first one to know her own name. That's the first thing she's gonna have in this world. And nobody can take that away from her. So we're being very quiet and the nurse wants to talk about story. We just ignored her. We just didn't say anything. [laughing] And she ask me a question, no.


Jamee Pineda
She's not invited to that party.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Oh, yeah, not invited to the party. We wait for all the nurses to leave. And you know, there were great, amazing nurses that did come. Did hold, you know, the bag for me to puke in, I almost puked on top of her. Did hold my hair or do all kinds of stuff, you know, great, beautiful nurses except for that one which happens to be my head nurse and happened to be the only white nurse. And so when they all left, finally, we had a moment of quiet, that's when we, you know, shared our inoa to my pēpē. And there's also a prayer I had been saying the whole time throughout just saying it to myself. And it's a prayer that goes like this E Kū, E Hina. E lawe aku ke ku’i. Ke koni, ka ‘eha. A’o ke ola a ‘ōlua me ku’u kino. Yeah. And that is praying to Kū and Hina, to our god and goddesses. Take away this pain. Take away the throbbing. Let your spirits and life flow through me. And I'm constantly praying that over and over and over again. And it's something that I also that I learned from this pu ke here, yeah. Nā Kaikamahine ‘O Haumea, Daughters of Haumea, women of ancient Hawaii, which I'm happy to go into after finishing my delivery story too, because there is, of course, a section about Ka Pale Keiki. Yeah. Which is our OB is our obstetricians. I got really quiet when I said that, because I don't really know how to pronounce that. Um so that was delivery. Yeah, I mean, I could go into that definitely segues into postpartum and more. If that works.


Jamee Pineda
Well, let's talk about it.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Yeah


Jamee Pineda
Let's go into it if you are down.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
I am so down. So. Oh, sure. Sorry, I'm taking. Yep, here's a pause. Okay, so I do feel like I sound different than I feel sometimes when it comes to this story. I haven't shared it much, honestly, just with Huraiti Mana and then maybe some people at work. And every time I do share it, it does get better. It's like, crushes me and makes me stand up stronger every time. And so I really appreciate this opportunity to share it in a spacious is in a space especially that is not trying to like I'm not taking myself to trial. You know, when I went to some medical professionals after what happened trying to say something this something horrible, I am traumatized. Something traumatizing happened to me, it was not right. It was just like, going to trial. Like everything I was saying was, is that evidence or not? Is that true or not? You know, they're trying to look for ways to excuse this, that, and the third and I know this is not a space that's doing that and I really mahalo nui loa, mahalo piha au and full of thanks for this space.


Jamee Pineda
I have a lot of gratitude that you're sharing this story with us because it's really important. Our stories are powerful.


Kalei'okalani Matsui
Yeah, mahalo. They I do want like, you're not hapai yet, you're not pregnant, but you thinking about it, like know this so you, I don't want anybody to have to go through something that they don't need to go through. But, and and even though I ended up not having to use the epidural, I ended up having a vaginal birth. I ended up having a most most healthy beautiful kaikamahine. That doesn't excuse the unnecessary suffering that I had to go through. And that took me a while to get to as well because you can be extremely grateful and extremely suffering at the same time. And that took a journey for me to get to that. But when Pēpē came into earthside te Ao, I did say Lā ke kumu i ka lālā hou, which means the foundation of the tree sees the light and the renewed branch. That was the first thing I had said when my pēpē arrived, ‘ike i nā maka i ke Ao, the eyes have seen the light. I was so high, so proud to be able to bring her into this world using the same leo, the same language, that my ancestors had. And I think right in this very moment realizing that although that, you know, the evil in vibrations I was afraid of, you know, implicating that onto the soul of my baby to follow her for the rest of her life. Realizing, no, how I had brought her into the world was using the language, using the oli, using the prayers that my ancestors had. And now that she's in the world having come from that I can stand tall and stand okay. That's what her legacy starts as.


Jamee Pineda
Maraming salamat for listening to The Decolonizing Medicine Podcast. If you want to support this work via Patreon or apply to be a guest on the show, go to linktr.ee/Jameepinedahealingaarts. Music is by Amber Ojeda, hedkandi, and Rocky Marciano. Big thanks to Laurenellen McCann for audio engineering. Last, but not least, thank you to all our listeners and supporters out there. Ingat!